Just found this poem while scratching through my old files. Im trying to remember when i wrote it. The date on the file is 09/05/2003, but im pretty sure it was written before then. I really should start dating them when i write them. hrmmmm.
Dont get any weird ideas that im freaking out or anything after you read this. That was a long time ago... im fine now :) thanks to Melanie. But yeah... go ahead, read it...

I hate what she did to me.
making me think too much,
and double take every thought.
Finding it hard to trust again,
and love again.

Part of me longs for it,
the soft touch - the caring hugs.
Yet part of me is scared,
not wanting to get hurt again,
finding it hard to trust.

I know ive got to do it,
take the plunge and jump right in.
Yet there is also a part that is warning.
The part that oogles my stomach,
and aches the back of my head.

I guess i just have to believe,
follow my brusied heart and find it again.
That thing that makes you warm inside,
those feelings of love and happiness.
They have to be out there for me.

hrmmm 8:40am... sitting and doing nothing, gotta wait till 9sih to drop these plagiarism forms up to the woman. Just got some more emails from melanie! woohoo! she seems to only get accessat the conference between 8-8:30am each morning. Oh well, she will be back tomorrow!

Its really quiet at the unia t the moment, not much going on which can be expected since its damn early.

I couldnt sleep last night, so i cleaned up my lounge room and kitchen. I got rid off all the crap that was sitting around in piles everywhere. Im still not sure about the lounge room, id like to move it around but i dunno how, theres not many options... Kitchedn also got a cleaning. Wiped eveeything down with the disinfectant stuff. Its better then it was.

I think ill wash the cars this arvo, after grabbing some stuff from the shops. Dunno what ill do tonight, probably jsut stuff around till i get sleepy... *shrugs*

Righto, il off to do some work, yup work, gotta start putting this studyguide stuff together, the sooner i get it started the sooner it gets done :)

Im not too sure about this one... its ok and all but i dont think its quite right, seems to end too fast or somthing... hrmmm i dont know.. im not happy with it, but i thought id put it on here and have a think about it. *thinks*

M is for maths - something she likes,
E is for everything she does that is nice.
L is for the love i feel when she smiles,
A is for the attention she seems to enjoy.
N is for nose - its pudgy and cute,
I is for innocence - a whole lot to boot.
E is for eyes that sparkle and shine,
Melanie's her name and i know that shes mine. :)

Used my cool iSight camera to chat with a dude at apple that i met at WWDC this morning. Its sooo cool. Also chatted to heaps of other people who were walking by his room and wanted a look.

*moan* Porgramming course stuf is slooowly getting done. Exams have been done *thank god*, ive jsut gotta finish off some plagiarism stuff. Im jsut waiting for the dude who marked them to get online so i can get him to change his mark sheet and upload it again... *waiting waiting*

Season final of ER tonight! Gotta remember to tape it for melanie.. *remember dammit*

I got some more work writing a studyguide for an internet security subject, the text book looks really cool so hopefully they forget i have it when i finsih the work ;) Apparently there is like $2000 allocated to the work, so id be more then happen to take that off their hands.

Uni term starts again next week. *sigh* let the crazyness begin again...

righto, back to the grindstone... :P

A hidden pain 25/03/2002 12:03am

I feel it inside me, a pain that runs deep
It rushes right through me, i cannot sleep
It tears at my heart and chips away at my soul
I think that its starting to take its toll.

It started last year with events that still hurt,
A long long story of a 'thing' in a skirt.
It still affects me in ways i do not know,
But at times i can feel it starting to show.

It grabs at my whole and squeezes real tight,
At the weirdest times, all hours of the night.
I find myself just sitting and thinking away,
Then the feelings come rolling and i have so much to say.

Its at these times when i have so much to speak,
That my feelings of being alone start to peak.
It seems i am destined to feel this way
As if i have some long lost debt left to pay.

I will not allow this pain to grow,
And engulf me and cultivate the seeds it does sow.
I fight against it and try to push it out,
I sit alone quietly when inside I shout.

Time will tell the end of this phase,
I guess i could see it as a passing craze.
Somthing i must endure to truely become me,
and then after all that, my soul will be free.

So im left sitting silently, contemplating it all,
Like the rhythm of music, it will rise and fall.
There is one thing for certain to come out of all this,
I will fight on until, i have met my bliss.

I sit and wonder
and try to spit it out
but it aint workin,
its smirking at me
teasing my finger tips
poised to type but nothing comes.
I sigh, a little frustrated
but it doesnt care.
It holds the thoughts and doesnt let go
i push - but it still doesnt flow
I wait and hold but i already know
they arnt ready, they arnt available
so i must wait.
wait for the time, and the place and,
the thing that sets them off
the timer is counting
and slowly ticking
and my patience must be strong.
Everything i need is here
but its just doesnt want to flow,
i want to plant it and watch it grow
but deep inside i already know...
its not up to me,
in a way i control it
but i also have no control over it.
So i wait, again i wait...

Im cleaning.... yup its 10pm and im cleaning. My place is annoying me, so ive decided to clean it all. Ive jsut finished cleaning out the first bedroom cupboard, i threw out some shit and wiped all the stuff down with nice smelling stuff.

Im just gunna wipe down the window and fan and i think that room will be done.

Got to chat with melanie this arvo for a small bit, she is still in Sydney at the conference. It was good to chat with her *sigh*

Tomorrow is either going to really suck or be good, there wont be any in between. Ive got a feeling...

Only 2.5 days till she comes back!

back to cleaning...

hrmmm, so im thinking to myself... do i really want to be an academic for the rest of my life... and myself screams back at me.. NO!!!!
Yup... thats right.. brett isnt going to be an academic for the rest of his life. Ive been thinking about it more and more and its just not me. Sure its good at the moment but really its not gunna get me nowhere. Soooo ive dusted off the old resume and its getting an update *groan moan - i hate updateing my resume* Ideally id like to be able to work for myself though. Writing programs and stuff.... theres a slight problem with income though during the 'start out' period... *sigh*

Living from pay to pay bites... living from pay to pay to pay bites worse... its just painful having to shift money around here and there jsut to be able to pay rent and stuff. *whinge whinge* I guess ive jsut gotta stop being a whiney little bitch and do somthing about it... *pokes self so self wakes up to itself* :P

I worked out how to use the preference system in Cocoa today, not too hard. The new book i got free from WWDC is brilliant! and it smells good! :D

hrmmm its 2:30, almost time for me to go home, check my mail, put on some warmer clothes and come back to uni for the night shift .... programming for me :) yippeeee

Uni term starts again next week. Im tutoring and coordinating and stuff. Might have some other course development work coming up as well... *come on people give me work.. i gots to pay some rent!*

Got some emails from Melanie today! woohoo! she says the conference is all mathy-fied and stuff. its one of those things where she talks about stuff and i nod my head and go 'yep yep yep' *not understanding anything* and smile at how cute she is...

bleh bleh righto... im done...

So i try to make an appointment at a dentist yesterday for a checkup, i havnt been to the dentist for maybe 4 years, so i thought what the hell ill go along and let them see if everythings ok. So i find a place and ring... Some receptionist answers, i ask could i make an appointment and she asks if anything is wrong. I tell her that nothing is wrong, i jsut want a checkup, she says that they are pretty busy and that i should just brush my teeth and gargle salt water and ill be right... hrmmm if i wasnt so amazed i probably would have questioned her... but i jsut figured she was stooopid so i hang up. I guess i try another dentist... *sigh*

Didnt have a very good sleep lat night, was pretty restless. feeling lazy today. I might jsut do some coding or somthing. I dunno. Gotta get this app finsihed...

I played some warcraft 3 last night, not too bad. Got sick of it after a while and cooked some tea. I was feeling like meat, so i cooked up some steak and seasoned it with some spicy herbs, garlic powder and fresh black pepper. Then dumped it all in a bowl with hot sauce for a while. :) Also cooked up some bacon and fried some eggs in oil. The steak was yummy! Kinda hot but it was real juicy.

Spent the night out at uni after that chatting and stuff.

righto, im off to get a coke.... i need somthng to get me going..

Back in OZ, trying to get my damn powerbook fixed. Getting a bit of a runaround *sigh* waiting for some woman from apple to ring me back...

Its O-Week this week, nect week the term starts again... seems to never stop. As yet i havnt sorted out my contracts, they are a bit screwed up and the person i need to see is away. Ive got a contract for some work but it doesnt seem right to me. *sigh* more problems.

Melanie has gone to sydney for a fancy smarty pants maths conference. Left yesterday morning. Gets back next saturday i think.

Ive got 3 new games to play, warcraft 3 expansion, lie of sight and GTA:vice city. Its tought deciding which one to play.

PHD is crap, ive got this chunk of java code that isnt doing what i want or think it should do. Its bizarre. Its gives some weird arse security error - but im not doing anything that relates to security... im guessing its because its code from an earlier version of java or some shit. bleh java is crap.

*yawn* well i got the exam marking done. Now i jsut wait for the call saying somthing is wrong. Gee i need to put a paysheet in and get paid, i hate this part time work crap and having to juggle money around between pay dats and bills. blah blah blah whinge whinge whinge..

righto, i think ill go find somthing else to do for a while.